Every morning and every evening I look to the river and see its stream and little waves taking their own course, how soothing that is! Sometimes the sun is out and its light produce little crystals of water dancing to no particular direction in some parts of the river. I can only imagine myself being carried by them, flowing easily and looking to the sky in quiet and ease. The beauty of water, and water is life.
It has come to an end, the revolution of chaos and order has now concluded its cycle after many days of inner despair and silences, after several decisions that had to be taken related to the past, present and future, after experiences lived thoroughly given the acute sensibility of this moment in life; and all in order to give form and meaning to the existence of oneself and others.
These 150 days have served to reflect upon matters that can lead someone to jump into the chaotic spiral and take life choices which bring such chaos to some kind of order and harmony, those crossroads may be as simple or complicated as following a certain lifestyle, quitting your job, moving places of residence or maintaining an important relationship in your life -with all the consequences those decisions imply. In these experiences there is not right or wrong nor a mentor to judge your actions for you to ease your mind but only an almost unrecognisable –though most needed– instinct that hints you to go through the paths called on by your heart, not that reason is unnecessary for our survival but it is a messy agent when it comes to thriving through life. It is about giving in to the circumstances and acting upon what your conscience and heart dictates.
When you realise that the answer you’ve been looking for so long is right at your nose because somehow you’ve been creating unconsciously the path that leads you to your most inner desires, there may be a combination of anger for investing so much time in despair and regrets; relief that finally things are falling into place; and awe when realising the magnificence of life’s flow and nature; chaos and order. The path to happiness sometimes takes longer because you have to learn the abilities that will bring your self into the present where those choices are made regardless of the thousand options you might see ahead of them but taking into account what you really want for your life at that moment. Happiness is then not the end but the path. And sometimes you just have to trust in future.
Revolutions have motives, objectives of reforming a state of things and this one was not an exception. Its main goal was to find a wound that would give one or a thousand explanations to the heart-breaking point when order and chaos collapsed against each other leaving the beholder of such life in a state of uncertainty, doubt and fear. The wound was found. It is a generational wound: Loneliness. It was first created by us in the fear of being rejected after exposing our real selves in front of others and then in an attempt to connect with and understand others via systems that alienate us not only from others but from ourselves. However, it would be unfair to think that fear of exposure comes from nothing, it is the result of continuous and historical-social periods of judgement. The core of the hazy cloud that prevent us to see our own reality, present and possibilities often follows the same pattern: to remain hidden, and worst, out of our own sight. Loneliness makes itself present within and one often denies it through a curtain of being jolly and welcoming to others, this is a sham. Truth is always there demanding your trust in accepting and loving yourself as well as your actions and to dare receive the same from the outside world. Alleviation of that wound can happen after entering that fuzzy cloud of chaos –that you might call ignorance of the self– to see yourself straight to the eye, accepting potential losses and gains, in order to achieve a real perspective of you and create the reality that you truly want in your life. It is then when you realise that loneliness cannot exist when you embrace yourself for it helps you connect with your own self and then with others’.
The intrinsic normality of our worlds is to fluctuate between order and chaos with its ups and downs. It is exciting to acknowledge that through these adventures you grow in the best possible ways equipping yourself with the necessary skills to live a fulfilling life. When you start the construction of a renewed self there are questions you should ask yourself and find the answers in your own exploration. Things happen the way they are supposed to following the consequences of your actions sometimes with a degree of pain that may propel you to move forward. To embrace these experiences is to accept all the colours of life and the perfection that exists within the nature of order and chaos, thus giving way to the peace and trust of living your own life knowing that cycles will still happen and you will cope with them every time.
An Architect is a deviser, maker or creator of anything, one of their fortunes is the extent of innovation and reinvention they may apply in their creations. An Architect may exist in any affair of life, whether tangible or intangible and so, the possibility of being an architect is in all of us.
Thus, after one has gone through the mist of our chaotic minds, accepting and renouncing everything, levitating in the obscurity of our mute cries, one can finally be serene among figures and colours of possibilities that rest in a blank space where no limits or rules are accepted but those established by the creator, who is, and can only be, the one manifesting those same possibilities by looking at them directly.
This is a potentially new world to be created out of pieces of our own past, it is a time of renewal and creation, a moment of making choices about what, where and why; a time of absolute freedom when one may take a different or the same approach to life and choose. We must give us pause. These pieces are the result of an explosion that gives way to a new life, each potential part of our new creation was once a fragment of an experience, therefore, we should be conscious about what we choose.
In creation it is important to be in-tune with the choices we make, as long as they are not based in our comfortable zone. In the pull and push of choosing and creating we should be guided by the feeling of making the right thing even if it strains our insides in something that we must reflect upon. We may explore a combination of reasoned choices that pass through the inspection of our hearts.
Death is the road to awe.
In the recognition of what was and has been, we may decide upon the things we want to leave behind, if not forever, at least for the sake of the new cycle; and which things we take with us to continue their development or transform them.
A fine cold autumn morning Hannah came out of bed tired so she started her day rather slowly. She went out to go to work and saw the streets busier than in other mornings which gave her a slight feeling of dissatisfaction that was normally related to the business of life in the city. Then she rode her bike to the subway and felt it was particularly heavier and stiffer than in any other day and so, she had to physically make an extra effort which made her focus only on the road. By the time Hannah left the bicycle at the station she felt relaxed and in a better mood, a happy improvement indeed. During the last part of her commute to work -since the daily trip was quite long- she felt easy and strangely quiet in her thoughts, not much to be said or to listen to, just in a quiet state without noticing anything in particular but the sensation of a crisp, sharp coldness outside the bus.
At her arrival to the office, Hannah was already enjoying a playful sensation of coldness in her cheeks whilst the rest of her body had kept warm out of the exercise and the layers she loved to wear around those days. Her belly woke up and she felt appetite for comforting food. She was just coming out of two difficult busy weeks and her body was trying to balance through physicality what emotionally she was lacking, thus unconsciously she wanted to enjoy something sweet and toothsome. Her decision for breakfast didn’t take long, as normally Hannah knew what she wanted, a sweet bagel appeared in her mind, in all details even of temperature, taste and colour. She was completely sure of getting that bagel and, given the importance of satisfying her craving since all else had been complicated for the last two weeks, she decided it would be her priority to get such desired item that morning.
She walked to the bakery with confidence and even some expectation, she was aware of everything though already anticipating the moment when she would receive the warm bagel with the sweet mini-kit of cheese and marmalade that normally accompanies it. Suddenly, right beside the bakery she was heading to there was a restaurant with a promotion of a pumpkin muffin plus coffee -in accordance to the season although rarely in offer because this particular flavour is one of a foreign culture and therefore, not so easy to find. Hannah saw the news with surprise and excitement because pumpkin was one of her favourites and, although it was not what she had first in mind, it could turned out to be a much better choice.
She went in instinctively and directly to the stand with all the variety of buns and pastries. Hannah gazed the muffin in excitement, she hesitated just for a brief moment, however, the look of it was splendid to her, the texture was buttery but not greasy and the colour an even caramel that combined perfectly with the pumpkin seeds at the top. Then, without hesitation, she asked for this unexpected pair that seemed to be improving her morning more and more. Although time seemed to go slow, Hannah didn’t have to wait long before she had in her hands a hot cup of coffee and the warm pumpkin muffin. The smell was sweet, utterly delicious and, suddenly, she had in mind not only comfort but memories of a past time in her life when she had felt whole in happiness surrounded by friends, love and a desired lifestyle, just the power of that smell had put her in acceptance of that remembrance when time, space and people had been perfect. The comfort turned into revelation and Hannah felt as if she had just discovered something essentially important to her life from an insignificant opportunity of excitement as a breakfast can be.
She was so glad the pumpkin muffin had come in her way! Hannah took a small bite of the sweet bun and a sip of coffee and became whole in acceptance, then acceptance turned into joy, that is exactly what she needed! Hannah wished for one thing and this option appeared unexpectedly given her not only the comfort she was seeking but so much more for her mind and heart, what a magnificent surprise! It reminded her of the life she desired, could and should live! Thus, Hannah accepted it all for the sake of happiness.
The loudest cries of tears and laughs are those from our inner-self and yet, they don’t produce any sound except for the echoes that bounce as feelings, inner voices and sensations throughout our bodies.
Whenever we feel happiness, the sensations in our bodies might be those of lightness and warmth as well as an abundance of energy and a continuous flow of ideas, dreams and hopes. One might even say that our perspective and perceptiveness broadens and we feel as if a large amount of light took hold of our bodies. The voices we hear at those moments speak sweet tunes of love, kindness and compassion for oneself and one’s own surroundings, these happy cries announce the arrival of joy with a clear message of taking delight in every moment we experience as well as in the results of what we have created, both in the physical and in the immaterial worlds. This message is hard to ignore because its presence is so notorious in ourselves that the only possibility is but to let it flow in a laughter that reaches all the people we love. This inner call is a seducer of our senses almost inevitable to reject and always to be pursued.
And so is the cry of happiness, loud and clear, exciting and adventurous. But our selves have another high-toned speaker: sadness. Its cry is sharp and cold, whenever our bodies experience that emotional state, they might find themselves in a general and incomprehensible pain, furthermore our consciousness feels tired which puts our awareness to sleep. Hence, movements are slowed down and thoughts are clouded as we struggled in despair for some understanding. The loud silence and emptiness become outrageously present announcing a vacancy in our hearts and minds that, if looked from its gray brightness, has the intrinsic possibility of quiet reflection, of death for rebirth. This might lead to a period where those situations that got us in this low energy mood can be put in the centre of the void to be observed. Many reject this condition but one could realise that our souls also depend on these moments to learn and reinvent themselves towards the happiness they look for. In this journey, one encounters a cry that is constant and demands one’s absolute attention. It is exactly then when one can practice and develop the strength of spirit that will bring all those reflections to a resolution by approaching them with compassion.
Thus we pass through coldness to warmth again, hoping that each part of the journey was worth it and that when we emerge from that rhythm we might find again the people we love who will be the receivers of our purified love.
A Tale of Order and Chaos…
In the morning one wakes up, perhaps in the commute one smokes a cigarette, go to work, do what one has to do –everything proper– and comes back home. But just then, at that time of freedom after everything that has been dictated as necessary happens, one has the opportunity to leave the rope behind. It might be the case that our actions in liberty might not be deemed as the best, but for one is the right thing to do. One could have a glass of wine… Or two, it doesn’t matter… Reflection comes to mind, some kind of inspiration, and one thinks about the state of one’s life. Then bedtime, sleep and time to go all over again.
If the routine is not good enough, then refusal to the pattern! It seems that life, as we know it, is just only one! Let’s not waste it in what everybody agrees is fine, it doesn’t make sense to live it as one is told but to reinvent it as one`s intuition deems good -and more than enough! Because in the end, the experiences are for one`s own bank of memories. We have the capacity, and ability, to create adventures out of this chance we have. It might seem difficult to go through it but whatever is worth having has a bit of complication because in complexity we grow and find our own limits, courage and love.
For many life is granted, they exist under a comfortable cover of what is supposed to be. But bravery for people who want to experience life is necessary to tackle the mysteries that come with the uncertainty of our own decisions, thus, life is not granted but the result of freedom. That quality of making our lives ours and deal with the consequences that might lead us -or not- to the ultimate hedonistic stage of our being, which is not determined by any social status or convention but by our own inner wisdom.
Courage! Courage to live life and climb the mountain! For at top we can see a broader perspective, we can breath and recognise the possibilities around us to decide the road we want to pursue in the creation of our own happiness and per chance to impregnate others. Beware that mountain paths are not straight and easy, they require exertion of our body and mind. In the middle of the road one might think about the easiness of our past comfortable lives and the lines that were already settled for us but, with one more bit of courage, with one more bit of intention, one continues and finds in the end… The world of our own existence reflected in the vast beauty of the landscape. Such beauty and love we might find! Necessary to recognise the same beauty and love inside.
Love! So difficult to describe and conceptualise! Who said it had to exist in only one way and form? One would like to think that, at the top of the mountain, and right beside freedom, one can understand what love is… And expand it into others…
Live life, otherwise, we are lost…
In times of uncertainty, loss and death, one must accept and deny everything at the same time until something resonates as true in one’s soul.